Don’t Throw Food Away Inside of Your Body.

Did you rip that paper towel and use 1/4 of it to wipe up some protein milkshake spillage, and the other 3/4 to make your sandwich to bring to work? Congratulations. You like efficiency as much as I do.

Did you save those few rogue onion, tomato, and kale slices from turkey burgers at dinner to put in an egg white omelet the next day? Such a great re-use of resources.

Did you save 6 seconds by not putting on a coat to go to the gym, since you’re only going to take it off once you get there anyway? What a time saver.

I think it’s clear that we share the EXACT same love for efficiency, which is why this tip is especially easy / hard.

It stems from a very common, very SERIOUS problem: you are full but your plate is not yet empty. What do you DO? Certainly you can’t just leave it on the plate, because then the chef would be insulted, technically 1/5 of the money you spent would be just wasted, and that 1/2 sweet potato that COULD HAVE GONE to someone that really needed nourishment instead went to selfish-jerk-you, all of which are atrocities you are unlikely to ever forget, at least in the foreseeable future. What a calamity, y’all. If you don’t finish that food, SO MUCH will go wrong.

Just kidding. Nothing will go wrong. Don’t finish that food. Don’t throw food away inside of your body.

HEY, THIS STATEMENT IS BOTH OBVIOUS AND CONFUSING

Agreed. Let’s “unpack” this, shall we? So, obviously your body is not a garbage can and you would never throw things away in it (though this would be a wonderful episode of New Girl). This is an innate knowledge we are lucky enough to be born with. But being the efficiency whores that we are so known to be, it can be difficult to leave food uneaten because that is such a WASTE, and we EFFING HATE WASTE. And if that chicken and parsnip puree isn’t really enough to take home and probably won’t keep well, then you can’t just LEAVE it there. I mean you BOUGHT it, and someone MADE it for you to FINISH.

SO FOR EFFICIENCY’S SAKE, I MUST EAT THAT FOOD

Well, here is where you have to think harder for like a second (and then you can go back to reading Jezebel). Even though it feels like you’re wasting food, if you are no longer hungry, and you eat it anyway, you are actually creating even more waste than if you throw it away (YOU HEARD ME). Your body has maxed out on processing nutrients and converting protein into energy, so anything else you give it will just go into storage / your muffin top.

WTF DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, JUST THROW IT IN THE GARBAGE

Yeah, you should just throw it in the garbage. Because really the issue here is that you feel unsettled by the disposing of food, because food is energy, and why waste energy (and also money, but yeah, energy)? But if you try and “make use” of it, you’re basically just throwing it in the trash, but you’re using your body as a trash can which is SO DUMB. If the baked eggs and black beans thing you ordered is too big, and you feel bad about the inefficiency of “wasting” it, just remember that just because you are eliminating it from the plate doesn’t mean you aren’t wasting it.  You’re just using a different trash can, and forcing yourself into a shame hangover. AVOID SHAME HANGOVERS, WE DO NOT LIKE THESE. Throw the remaining food away into a trash can, not your body.

Quick Note: some people solve the “food left on the plate” issue by pouring an open salt shaker over it to make it unappetizing. If you have the same relationship with salt that I do, you may actually find this MORE appetizing. Do not use this tactic.