BURGERTIME.

Hey, you guys want burgers? Of course you do. Everyone wants burgers. But a nice cut of fatty ground beef and American cheese on a sugar-starch bun is NOT gonna cut it for us high class fitnessers. That’s why I am disclosing to you the ultimate turkey burger recipe. These are monsters. They are healthy, delicious, gourmet monsters. Serve this shit to guests because it is SURE TO IMPRESS. This recipe serves two, so triple it and have a dinner party. But only with close friends, because ain’t nobody gonna look cute eating these. Your friendship should be well solidified before consuming these in front of one another.

Also, there are no photos in this recipe. But we’re all adults here, and I think you know what a tomato looks like.

STUFF YOU NEED:

• Two 4oz turkey burger patties, 94% lean
• Salt
• Garlic powder
• Fresh black pepper
• 4 slices multigrain bread (I do Arnold’s Oatnut and it is the shit). Don’t even think about using a multigrain english muffin. It simply cannot handle the toppings.
• 2oz feta cheese
• handful of dill
• one tomato
• two large kale leaves
• 1 cup sliced onion, or like half an onion,? Ugh whatever I don’t know, just some onion (red, yellow, whatevs you guys)
• Your favorite mustard (honey mustard does the job reeeaaaal well.)
• Half of a ripe avocado (if it’s as hard as an apple, skip it. Wait a week and use it for some guac or something. That shit should be CREAMY.)
• George Forman grill, or a real grill if you have one? I live in NYC, the center of the universe, and pretty much no one has a real grill so I always assume it isn’t an option.  I guess a pan is fine if you have neither, since these things are super low fat.
• Pan
• Toaster
• Big plate / platter

So first things first, we’re gonna caramelize those onions real slowly like. Heat up that pan, on low to medium, add a teaspoon of olive oil, and throw in the onion slices. These are gonna take their sweet time. Let them. You got other shit to do anyway.

Take out those turkey burgers. Sprinkle BOTH SIDES (don’t be lazy) with salt, garlic powder (load this on) and some fresh ground pepper. Turn on your grill (or another pan if you suck) and wait a few minutes for it to heat up.

While that’s happening, coarsely chop some dill and put it in a bowl with the feta. Add about a tablespoon of water, and mix it all together until it’s a goat-cheese-like creamy texture. THIS IS AWESOME.

Now put those turkey burgers on the grill / pan. These will need around 4 minutes per side, or just as soon as they aren’t pink in the middle.

Put your toast in the toaster! If it’s a two-slicer, start with two, then do two more. This isn’t hard.

Now you have some free time to SLICE THINGS! Get out your tomato and avocado, and slice them into thin, belongs-on-a-burger-sized slices. Also, wash those kale leaves, and pat them dry.

It’s probably time to turn your turkey burgers over! Turn them over!

Your onions are probably done now too. Turn that burner off.

Get that platter out. Make a line down the center with the kale leaves. So pretty. Now, in each corner, put the sliced tomato, sliced avocado, mound of feta/dill spread, and pile of caramelized onions. WHAT A GORGEOUS FIXINS PLATTER.

Put your burgers on plates with the toast. Leave them naked so you can each assemble your add-ons as you like. Serve with an awesome side salad (maybe some mixed greens, cut green beans, tomato, and balsamic vinaigrette, you know, classy like) and a million napkins.

In my opinion, the tastiest, most efficient compilation is:

• Slice of toast
• Avocado, spread over the toast
• Honey mustard, over the avocado
• Kale leaf
• Feta spread on the kale leaf
• Caramelized onions
• Turkey burger
• Tomato slice(s)
• Slice of toast

THAT’S HOW YOU EAT A BURGER, FOLKS. Lean protein, fresh vegetables, whole grains, and just enough lowfat cheese (feta is inherently lowfat, you don’t need a lowfat version) to make life perfect.

Just please, please make sure you wipe your mouth.

DISCLOSURE: I originally wrote this article / recipe to include in a surprise cookbook for a friend who got engaged. She has now received the book of recipes, and I am finally able to unleash this recipe to the rest of the world. We have Reshmi and Aaron to thank for that.