Don’t Eat That Bullshit You’re Craving.

I know we’ve already talked about snacks, and what the best choices are throughout the day, but what happens when you have a random craving for some bullshit food? Chances are you don’t actually need that food, but your body does want something like it. Let’s put together some easy swaps for these bullshit cravings. We’ll go one by one, and break down the things you want but are not going to eat because you’re not an asshole, and what you should replace them with. Here is how you can be awesome at eating things (and not eating things).

• I want: potato chips
• But I will eat: Roasted, salted nuts. Almonds, pistachios, or whatever else you’re into. Raw cashews are pretty awesome too, and help mix up the texture. Obviously all nuts are healthier raw and unsalted, but if you’re craving potato chips, raw unsalted nuts are not gonna do the job.
• OR I will eat: popcorn. drizzle some olive oil, sprinkle some salt, YES SON.

• I want: cookies
• But I will eat: peanut butter cookie Larabar. or, any of the other awesome Larabar selections (they have peanut butter chocolate chip ones as well you guys).

• I want: french fries
• But I will eat: parsnip fries, or baked sweet potato fries

• I want: ice cream
• But I will eat: a banana, frozen and blended. Seriously, this makes banana ice cream. add a drop of vanilla and some peanut butter and you’ve got a whole fancy ice cream deal.

• I want: candy bars
• But I will eat: Kind bars. There’s a dark chocolate and sea salt one that is totally bomb. Only 5g of sugar. Just enough chocolate to curb your craving, but not do any real damage. There’s also fruity ones, for if you’re a skittles / twizzler candy type.

• I want: a pudding parfait
• But I will eat: either the banana ice cream thing, or some 0% greek yogurt with jam, or even some cottage cheese with a little bit of jam. that shit’s good, y’all.

• I want: chocolate covered pretzels
• But I will eat: popcorn with salt, pepper, and honey. This is SO GOOD, PEOPLE WILL KILL YOU FOR IT
• OR: that dark chocolate sea salt kind bar
• OR: salted almond or peanut butter on an apple

• I want: potato chips and french onion dip
• But I will eat: BBQ soy crisps dipped in greek yogurt

• I want: cheese and crackers
• But I will eat: cucumber slices dipped in hummus. roasted red pepper hummus if you’re awesome.

• I want: baked goods
• But I will eat: this one is a little tougher. do you want it because it’s sweet? refer to the cookies section above. because it’s doughy AND sweet? try a thick piece of multi grain bread or toast with some jam (remember, the good stuff, with only a few ingredients). If you love danishes, spread a light Laughing Cow wedge on the toast, then a little jam. Is this VERY HEALTHY? No. Is it way WAY better than a pastry for you? omg yah. Do not ever ever ever eat a muffin as a healthy snack. I’m serious. I will come for you. Muffins are cake.

• I want: soda
• But I will have: diet soda JUST KIDDING YOU GUYS NEVER EVER DO THAT. Have club soda with a splash (small) of lemonade or fruit juice (actual fruit juice, not some sugar beverage), or just a lemon or lime wedge if you don’t need need need the sugar.

Please note that there isn’t a lot of fruit included on this list. While you should plan to have fruit as part of your daily snack routine, I don’t really consider it a fair substitute for when you’re craving bullshit.  In my experience, those are situations where you end up eating a nectarine AND a cinnamon roll. So make sure your swap is really curbing the craving, otherwise you’re just postponing the inevitable, and taking in more calories while you’re doing it.

If I’ve missed any snacks that are bullshit and in need of a swap, let me know in the comments. We can compile a definitive list, for the whole world to reference (or just for the two of us. Hi mom!)