Hey folks. It’s been a while. But not because I’ve been super busy — No. Not at all. In fact, I have been not busy in a way that I never thought possible to not be busy. But more on that in a moment.

Here are a few things to know about this post:

  1. The format and content are a little different from our regularly scheduled programming. (YOU GONNA BE ABLE TO HANDLE THAT?)
  2. I recently had ankle surgery, so my fitnessing took a backseat for a while (as did this blog) and it’s time to lay out some thoughts about my fitnessless month
  3. Just because it was a fitnessless month doesn’t mean it was a useless month. There are some takeaways here.

So. Having gotten the opportunity to experience the effects of being in recovery and not working out for a month, let’s go over the very controlled, scientific, this-is-my-experience-and-therefore-probably-true-for-everybody discoveries about muscles, well-being, and exercise.

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Hey, you guys want burgers? Of course you do. Everyone wants burgers. But a nice cut of fatty ground beef and American cheese on a sugar-starch bun is NOT gonna cut it for us high class fitnessers. That’s why I am disclosing to you the ultimate turkey burger recipe. These are monsters. They are healthy, delicious, gourmet monsters. Serve this shit to guests because it is SURE TO IMPRESS. This recipe serves two, so triple it and have a dinner party. But only with close friends, because ain’t nobody gonna look cute eating these. Your friendship should be well solidified before consuming these in front of one another. Read More

I know we’ve already talked about snacks, and what the best choices are throughout the day, but what happens when you have a random craving for some bullshit food? Chances are you don’t actually need that food, but your body does want something like it. Let’s put together some easy swaps for these bullshit cravings. We’ll go one by one, and break down the things you want but are not going to eat because you’re not an asshole, and what you should replace them with. Here is how you can be awesome at eating things (and not eating things). Read More

Alright everybody it’s time to get real here. We can talk all we want about eating smart barbecue foods and getting through happy hour, but if we aren’t working out regularly, then we are not fitnessing.

If you’ve been reading (and you guys, I get mostly repeat visitors, so I know you have), then you are well aware that chillin on the elliptical for 45 minutes is not going to give you the best results. You need to work with varying your heart rate, adding weights, and changing up your routine. So, here’s another Werkout to help add some variety to your weekly routine.

Get some heavy ass weights with this, cause burning more calories rocks. I’m talking 12 – 15 pounds. You got this. Read More

Nothing beats completing a totally kickass workout. Your energy is up, your endorphins are flowing, your muscles feel sore for a day or two, and you feel all smug and accomplished cause you are AWESOME. These are all very positive immediate effects of exercising. However, there is one very noticeable, treacherous side effect of exercising, and that is that you are So Damn Hungry.

HEY NO PROBLEM, EATING WILL FIX THAT

Exactly. EXACTLY. Being hungrier means wanting to eat more, which means that if you aren’t careful, you could be well on your way to undoing all of that superfine fitnessing. Especially if you are just starting a workout regimen, or upping your workout game — you can really start to feel the hungry in a big way, and easily eat double the calories you just burned in your ravenous, musclebound haze.

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Oh good, it’s summer in New York City, which means everything smells like hot soda and all of your friends invite you to barbecues in hundred degree heat on a strip of cement outside their apartment because oh my god we are going to take advantage of this sunshine to prove we don’t live in a concrete mass of soullessness isn’t this so fun.

It’s inevitable that you will, at minimum, attend (or HOST, for god’s sake) at least one barbecue this summer season. Barbecues are a hotbed of greasy, mayonnaisey, chip-n-dip-n-beer fitnessing nightmares. This can be very frightening for those of us with high fitness priorities and low self control.

OK I WILL AVOID THEM AND SIT INSIDE WATCHING INSIDE AMY SCHUMER

Well, she is very funny, but I feel like maybe you should live your life and go see your friends and eat food outside with them (#YOLO amirite). And you don’t have to be that weird kid that brought a bag of celery sticks and club soda and carries them around with you all night. You can go, and enjoy your time, and even eat and drink some cool stuff while you’re there.

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Fitnessing is generally pretty awesome. We do cool stuff with our bodies that make it strong and also look pretty alright, we eat things that taste good but are also healthy and smart and give our pretty alright looking bodies what they need, and we get a lot of energy / satisfaction / self efficacy / health benefits from doing these things.  Good for us. What good fitnessing jobs we’re all doing. We should all give our selves some strong, flexed, nutritious pats on the back for the great jobs we’re doing.

AND THEN DESSERT HAPPENS, amiright?

Dessert can be tricky, because first of all, it’s not actually a meal that we need to eat. Secondly, the things you want to be eating for dessert are not the types of things we need, ever. Thirdly, it falls on the late side of the night, usually like right before we go to bed, which is the worst time ever to eat anything.  So this Perfect Storm of unnecessary / terrible content / worst timing can wreak havoc on what was probably already an awesome exercise and nutrition filled day. Read More

So now it’s summahtime, basically, because in New York there is no spring, so it’s time to wear shorts and show off how strong strong strong our legs are. But first let’s do some box jumps and build those leg muscles. Because seriously y’all, box jumps are for real.

WHAT’S A BOX JUMP?

This is a very good place for us to begin. What is this thing? Well, to start, a box jump requires almost no equipment; only you and some sort of stepper, whether it’s those jazzercise ones at the gym with risers you can stack, or a park bench (that no one is sitting on), or a high curb thing that’s around flowers in the park, or something like that. Really you just need any stable platform that is anywhere from 8 inches to 2 feet high, depending on your level. Some people end up doing like 4 feet, which I just cannot fathom. I suggest starting with 8 inches to make sure you’re solid in your form, and then building up from there.  Here are the steps to doing a box jump: Read More

Did you work out yet today? Yeah, no totally, I’m sure it was like, ugh, IMPOSSIBLE to get up earlier, cause like, you already have to be up so EARLY, and then after work, it was like, ugh, so TIRED, and just, it’s really TOUGH to find time you know? Yeah, no totally.

YES THAT IS EXACTLY IT.

I hear you. I wish there were some sort of like, really efficient fat burning method, or way to burn calories even when you AREN’T working out, or even like some sort of low-impact workout to help you EASE into that shit you know, cause working out can be intimidating. So terrible that those don’t exist, bro.

I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE. Read More

For everyone who was worried about the fact that I haven’t written in a while (Hi Mom), I was JUST BUSY and everything is FINE.

For everyone who is not my mom, I recognize that you did not notice, and apologize for being a narcissist.

NOW THEN. Let’s talk about some late night dinners.

Late Night Dinners don’t have to be Hate (your body) Night Dinners (seewhatididthere). A little thinking ahead and refrigeration will go a long way in maintaining some fitnessing while real life things happen. Read More